Why it can be hard to leave an abusive relationship (2023)

FAQs

Why is it so hard to break up with an abuser? ›

Leaving can be dangerous: Many people experiencing intimate partner violence realistically fear that their abusive partners' actions will become more violent and even lethal if they attempt to leave. The abuser may have threatened to kill them or hurt their child, family member or pet if they leave.

Stockholm syndrome is a coping mechanism to a captive or abusive situation. People develop positive feelings toward their captors or abusers over time. This condition applies to situations including child abuse, coach-athlete abuse, relationship abuse and sex trafficking.

A lot of people in abusive relationships stay in them because they love their partner and think that things will change. They might also believe their partner's behavior is due to tough times or feel as though they can change their partner if they are a better partner themselves.

They may feel that they've done something wrong, that they deserve the abuse, or that experiencing abuse is a sign of weakness. Remember that blame-shifting is a common tactic that their partner may use and can reinforce a sense of responsibility for their partner's abusive behaviors.

Stockholm syndrome is an emotional response. It happens to some abuse and hostage victims when they have positive feelings toward an abuser or captor.

Generally, victims stay because the fear of leaving is greater than the fear of staying. Fear of the unknown can be a powerful reason for “staying put.” Also, victims are often threatened with physical harm if they try to leave. It is well documented that victims are at the most risk of injury when they are leaving.

In abusive relationships, victims make an average of seven attempts to end the relationship before they do, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Leaving is not easy. On average, it takes a victim seven times to leave before staying away for good. Exiting the relationship is most unsafe time for a victim. As the abuser senses that they're losing power, they will often act in dangerous ways to regain control over their victim.

How do you let go of a toxic relationship when you still love them? ›

If our caregiver fails to create a secure attachment, we will feel insecure (and anxious) in our attachments later in life. This has some biological underpinnings - our nervous system registers our initial attachments as “the norm” and we become biologically addicted to this type of attachment.

The results of this research show that do- mestic abusers tend to obtain high points for some types of personality disorders, especially narcissistic, antisocial and bor- derline disorders. They also present symptoms of depressive disorders and consumption of drugs and alcohol.

Abuse is never justified, however, it is possible to forgive your abuser if you wish to do so. Forgiving an abuser can be a very difficult and long process however it can be beneficial for the victims emotional healing process.

The aftermath of narcissistic abuse can include depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, a pervasive sense of toxic shame, emotional flashbacks that regress the victim back to the abusive incidents, and overwhelming feelings of helplessness and worthlessness.

Staying in an emotionally or verbally abusive relationship can have long-lasting effects on your physical and mental health, including leading to chronic pain, depression, or anxiety. Read more about the effects on your health. You may also: Question your memory of events: “Did that really happen?” (See Gaslighting.)

Why do victims stay silent? ›

Abuse survivors who choose not to come forward, report abuse or tell their stories are known as “silent victims.” Assault survivors may have many reasons for their silence, including: Extreme emotional or psychological trauma that is too difficult to face. Feelings of guilt, shame or embarrassment.

A person may develop a trauma bond because they rely on the abusive person to fulfill emotional needs. For example, a child relies on their parent or caregiver for love and support. If that caregiver is abusive, the child may come to associate love with abuse.

Women ages 18 to 24 and 25 to 34 generally experience the highest rates of intimate partner violence.

Leaving any relationship is difficult. Leaving a bad one isn't necessarily any easier. The shift from powerless to empowered is a gentle one, but lies in the way you experience the relationship. It often takes as much resourcefulness, energy and strength to stay in a bad relationship as it does to leave.

Yes, toxic relationships can change. But that comes with a very big if. A toxic relationship can change if and only if both partners are equally committed to overcoming it with lots of open communication, honesty, self-reflection, and possibly professional help, individually and together.

If you are in a toxic relationship, know that you are certainly not alone and that it will not last forever. Even if a small part of you, like me, hopes it lasts forever because you love the person you are with, you will feel relief once it is over even if it does hurt.

Abuse happens regularly and systematically. It doesn't have to be daily, but abuse is a pattern of behavior: weekly, every couple of days, biweekly, monthly or whatever time frame you notice. This is also true when it comes to personality.

Inside an Abuser's Mind

Abusers often feel they share an identity with their victim. They do not want their victim to have a life separate from them and see the victim as an extension of themselves. They will use isolation or threats to keep their victim from leaving, getting help or having any other relationships.

Survivors and perpetrators of domestic abuse will often form trauma bonds whereby they both become emotionally hooked into the relationship – this can make it extremely difficult for the survivor to unlock herself and escape from the abuse.

The Reason Why It's Hard to Let Go

Loss comes in many forms, not just death. And every loss comes with a certain level of grief. Letting go of someone you love also isn't just about that person. It also signifies a big change in your life, and maybe even your identity.

How do you detach from someone you love deeply? ›

Because of the way it can impact your self-esteem, as well as the energy required to keep it going, an unhealthy relationship can feel like your everything — making it super difficult to leave. "For some, they see having an unhealthy relationship as better than not having a relationship at all," Madison says.

This happens simply because you care about your partner's opinions, wishes and concerns. The thought of losing this person hurts you. And all of these emotions we experience in a relationship become building blocks for love. Our love is what it is because it has history.

In modern dating parlance, breadcrumbing is the equivalent of stringing someone along via digital communication without ever meeting them.

Fear of conflict.

Usually, the longer you've been with someone, the more conflicted the process is. It is a sad reality that many men (and women) stay in unfulfilling relationships month after month, year after year, because they fear the pain involved in breaking up and moving on.

Merging of identities. Those who suffer from toxic attachment usually have a history of unhappiness, disrupt or disturbance in their childhood. For this reason, they often form unhealthy bonding complexes, which can cause them to be clingy or seek to merge their identity to their partner's.

Sometimes, people are still thinking about their Ex for months, or even years after the relationship ended because of lingering insecurities or comparisons they're making — even subconsciously. This is often true when your Ex has moved on before you have.

Studies show emotional abuse may be the most damaging form of maltreatment causing adverse developmental consequences equivalent to, or more severe than, those of other forms of abuse (Hart et al. 1996).

Children who had experienced such verbal abuse were three times as likely as other children to have borderline, narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive or paranoid personality disorders in adulthood.

Who are the most common abusers? ›

1 The adult may be a relative, caregiver, step-parent, religious figure, coach, or babysitter, though the majority of perpetrators are parents of the child. In the United States, children experience child abuse or neglect at a rate of 8.9 per 1,000 children.

Examples include intimidation, coercion, ridiculing, harassment, treating an adult like a child, isolating an adult from family, friends, or regular activity, use of silence to control behavior, and yelling or swearing which results in mental distress. Signs of emotional abuse.

There are four main categories of child abuse: physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse and neglect. Find out more about each below, as well as the warning signs that a child may be being abused.

Trauma dumping: With trauma dumping, you overshare difficult or intimate personal information without the other person's consent or during inappropriate times. You don't consider how your words impact the listener, and you're not open to advice or solutions.

One way to determine whether you're in a healthy relationship or a trauma bond is to focus on how your relationship consistently makes you feel. A healthy relationship makes you feel supported, secure, and confident, while a trauma bond makes you feel fearful, anxious, or put down.

Survivors may return to an abuser for multiple, complicated reasons and, according to a survey of 844 survivors by DomesticShelters.org, will leave and come back 6.3 times on average before leaving for good.

Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy – and it isn't always the safest option. In fact, survivors of abuse return to their abusive partners an average of seven times before they leave for good.

Most scientists agree that memories from infancy and early childhood—under the age of two or three—are unlikely to be remembered. Research shows that many adults who remember being sexually abused as children experienced a period when they did not remember the abuse.

What are 3 signs of a trauma bond? ›

Neglect is the most common form of child abuse. Physical abuse may include beating, shaking, burning, and biting.

The cycle of abuse often goes through four main stages: tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm. Abusive behaviors may escalate from cycle to cycle, although this isn't always the case.

Traumatic childhood events can change the way a person's brain and body work. Trauma can affect the person's emotions, memory, thinking and sense of self. Trauma can also affect relationships. Women most often develop the effects of trauma if, as children, they felt helpless and trapped by abuse.

Be a patient listener – let your friend know that you hear what they're saying and that you'll support whatever they decide to do. Remind your friend that they deserve respect, honesty, and open communication. Help them to see that abuse is never okay – and that it's never their fault.

Emotional abuse is linked to thinning of certain areas of the brain that help you manage emotions and be self-aware — especially the prefrontal cortex and temporal lobe. Epigenetic changes and depression. Research from 2018 has connected childhood abuse to epigenetic brain changes that may cause depression.

Maltreatment can cause victims to feel isolation, fear, and distrust, which can translate into lifelong psychological consequences that can manifest as educational difficulties, low self-esteem, depression, and trouble forming and maintaining relationships.